Life Update!

 Hey guys! It's been awhile since my last post. I cannot believe that it's already the end of March! This year is going by so fast and before you know it, it will be December again. A lot has happened in the last 3 months that I thought I should share with you all. 

It was the start of the year and I was so pumped for the year to come. Was so happy for a new beginning , a fresh start if you will. I had so many hopes for this year because 2016 wasn't my greatest year. So I decided to leave all the bad things that happened last year in the past  Everything was going well for me, And that's when my whole world went dark. 

On January 13th 2017, the world lost the brightest light. I met Justin 8 months earlier at work. When I met him , I knew that he was about to change my life. I don't think he or I knew. I knew from the moment I met him, that I wanted this kid in my life somehow. He was unlike anyone I've ever known, He had this amazing smile that instantly made you feel better no matter how you were feeling. He was the most warm-hearted, sweetest person I ever knew. As I got to know him, I learned that me and him had a very similar music taste. We would exchange music often whether it was over Snapchat, through text messages or even in person. We connected so much over our love for music and that meant more to me than anything in the entire world. We became really close over  the last few months of his life and I wouldn't trade those months of memories for anything in the world. In the weeks before his death, I had a feeling that something wasn't right. Like something was off, but I didn't do anything about it.  He wasn't acting like himself and I tried to be there for him as much as i could. I just thought he was stressing over school. I'm a worrier so I started to worry a lot of him and just wanted him to be okay. The last day I saw him was the day before it all happened, We worked together and The whole day seemed off but I didn't know why. So I went on with my day like normal. I spent most of my time that day in the Deli when I should have been working. But now when I look back on that day I don't regret it because it was a good day. I never thought that when I said bye to him, that it  would be the last thing I would say to him or the last time I would see him. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and at least say something or give him a hug. Maybe it wouldn't of changed anything, but it what if it did. I sometimes think that maybe if I would've said something sooner or knew that something was really wrong, maybe he would still be here. But I know that I can't think like that because it will eat me alive. The I found out started out like any other day. I slept in because I had the day off, I just chilled out. Later that night (around 10pm) I was just listening to music and scrolling through Facebook and that's when I saw it. A picture of him with the words "A Memorial for Justin". When I saw that, I just lost it. Not really comprehending what was going on . I thought I was dreaming or that it wasn't real. But I think even at that point way deep down I knew it was. I was in complete shock. Like no way this was happening. I was in hysterics, crying so hard that I thought that I was going to have a heart attack. I remember I literally was laying head down on my bed crying, trying to make sense of it all. I was up all night crying. I didn't want to believe it.  

Fast forward to a week later, The morning of his viewing and his funeral. I was a mess. I remember that day so vividly. I didn't want to get up and go that morning. But I knew if I didn't, I would regret it for the rest of my life. It was very snowy that morning. It's almost as if he ordered it that way. I knew that wanted to write him a letter so he could have it with him forever. It was hard writing that letter because I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want him to be gone forever. When we got there, I have never felt so scared to walk into a church building more than I did that day. I was holding onto my friend Shannon for dear life. I felt like I couldn't walk, Seeing the table of his things , memories of him and all he did, made me smile. I didn't think I could walk into that room. The room where he was. I couldn't even look at him at first because I think I didn't want to really believe that he was really gone. It took a lot for me to get up and go see him. When I did,  I couldn't help but cry because even though it was him lying there, it wasn't really him because his smile made him who he was to me. During the funeral, a few people spoke about him; telling stories about him or memories they had of him. Music also played. Someone played a medley of Journey songs on piano and it was really beautiful. After the funeral his mother wanted me to come to cemetery and the luncheon afterward. I feel like that part was one of the hardest and most therapeutic things I have ever done. Standing there with all of his family and friends watching him being lowered into the ground , kind of made it official for me. Looking back, I'm glad I went because it started the healing process for me. His mother gave a lot of us a guitar pic with his picture on it. Since that day, I have brought it everywhere with me, without fail. His family is amazing and I am so glad to have met them and be connected with them now. Its been a little over 2 months since his passing and I have to say that I'm a lot better than where I was then. I do have my good days, and there are some days that are harder than others. I still cry but my breakdowns aren't as often as they used to be. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him, I love him and I miss him so much. To me, he will always be my "Saturday night kind of pink"

In less than a week, my best friend, my Ride or Die is getting married to the love of her life and I couldn't be more happy for her!! I am so glad that she has found the one she wants to send the rest of her life with. She is going to be a beautiful bride and I can't wait to help celebrate her big day! I've said this so much but it's true: She is funny, smart, very cool and a great friend and sister anyone could ask for. She has been there for me through so much and I wouldn't be the same person without her in my life! 

In the last few months, my anxiety and depression skyrocketed. I went through a spiral of emotions that I didn't think I was going to be able to get out of. After Justin's death , I completely shut down. I didn't want to feel anything because I felt like if I did, then it would hit me all at once. So I kept it all inside and never let it out. The when I would get home, I would breakdown. To me , this was the better way than answering a million questions from random people. I was so scared to get close to people again. I'm starting to have trust issues with people because I fear that they will leave me in some way. I'm scared to love anyone right now. I also don't want to be alone forever because that scares me as well I also took a break off of social media for awhile because I just felt like it wasn't right to go through all this and then go on social media. I wasn't ready for that. I think it really helped me grieve and mourn the way you're supposed to. I'm never going to get over this and the normal that once was will never be again, but all I can hope for is a new normal. I'm really glad that I have so many great people around me who love me. I'm also really proud of myself that through all this,I didn't succumb to cutting myself. I know I would've regretted it afterwards. I have realised something though. In the wake of all this, I've decided that life really is too short to say " Oh I'll do that later." Or "I'll do that tomorrow." I want to travel. I want to try new things that I never have tried before. I wanna do things that scare the crap out of me. I don't want to leave this earth one day and not have done anything fun with my life. In a way, I feel like if i don't live my life to fullest I can, that he will be disappointed. I know that I will get better someday, that the waves of grief will come further apart from each other I just have to push through it with every ounce of might and strength I have.  I know Heavenly Father  is with me through every step of this journey and he will never let me fall. I know he's holding my hand and telling me it's going to be okay. I promise.If I don't, I won't make it. I miss him everyday and I will miss him for the rest of  my life. I loved him and he will aways to me be my "Saturday night kind of pink."

I know that this kind of an emotional one, but I thought I should share with you all what has been going on the past few months so you know where I've been. I hope to start blogging more frequently. That is my goal. I also want to get a better camera so I can post better pictures make my blog better.

Thanks for reading. I love you all!

Cheers,

Tasha Siera xx